s:a:l:a:d:s – Chicken & Bacon Pasta 

One of the staples of ‘things people eat for lunch’ is refrigerated pasta.  I’m a tad sceptical about this as a concept for lunch given the fact that pasta is cooked, is best served freshly cooked (some might disagree) with lots of lovely vegetables and a sauce made from actual biological things.  Stuff that was once identifiably roaming a field or gracing a field or a branch.  This is the opposite, there is nothing in this starch-white slop that actually says any of it has seen the sky or even been outside.

So I present to you s:a:l:a:d:s interpretation of Chicken and Bacon Pasta.  I have much fault with this as a concept and also the product as a whole.

But the thing that aggravates me more is not even the actual product, but the name of the company that has produced this.  The grammatical inaccuracy of putting a colon after individual letters nullifies the fact that we have an alphabet and grammatical rules.  It makes a mokery of the colon and everything it stands for.  In a badly furnished boardroom somewhere on the outskirts of Droitwich, a person with a tiny brain thought this was outlandish and funky, enough that the corporate suit-wearing budget jockeys who make decisions agreed and that the desecration of everything grammatically good in the world began.  One:colon:at:a:time.

Once you see past the stupid name, you then realise that this pasta is SO white, the sunlight that radiates off it can at times melt the plastic.  Hence it is always in a dark fridge somewhere in a corner, never to see the light of day. Ever. Unless its next to a window, then, well you have a problem. Especially if passers-by don’t use eye protection.

Sold by Poundland to skint workers who have either hit the end of the month, or lost all dignity, or who -like me- actually rather like Poundland and the crazy crap that they sell, this is a stapled dinner option for many working humans.  Despite the overwhelming aftertaste of bleach.

This is a chemical carnival.  We have four different preservatives: Potassium Nitrate, Sodium Nitrate, Potassium Sorbate and Acetic Acid. We have 5% cooked and reformed Bacon, 9% cooked chicken breast, three different types of gum to stablise the slop. Yum…

It took me about half an hour to get the taste out of my mouth.  This is definitely the foulest thing I’ve tasted undertaking this project, but I feel this won’t be the worst.


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